wandering thoughts

Awkward, and then not so awkward, and then hanging out with a hint of small talks. I guess we're on our way to being OK, then?

The Halloween party seemed to be a nightmare I just wanted to wake up on. Well, just for a few minutes, at least. A lot of 'should have been' ran through my mind the moment I got home and lied down on my bed, and realizing the effects of my action. Why did I even have to do that? I knew it was the fucking end of everything and all my previous hopes went down the drain.

I expected the worst, but it didn't happen. Boy, was I glad! We got to hang out yesterday and the day before, and I could just be thankful to two people for making it possible cause we're actually doing small talks now. I'm beyond excited to bring back the friendship! Too giddy to contain! :)

I'm not going into the details, but yes, so far, the seeming 'set'up' is something pretty healthy for our relationship. I'm glad that the littlest of efforts are healing us by a milestone. Or at least, for myself. Hihi :)

Has it been that long since we last talked? I can't believe I didn't recognize your voice.

You were probably thinking that if it was your name I saw, I wouldn't answer the call. Hmm. Well, yes, I'd like to think of it that way. I'd like to think that I'd to it that way, too, but you got some strategy going on there and you caught me at a disadvantage - groggy and half awake. But I'm not that mean and it was too late before I've gotten to put some thought into it. All the while I thought it was someone else, and then later in the conversation, you realized the same that you had to introduce yourself. Ha! That's screaming 'good' for me. I can't believe I didn't recognize you, for once. And I'm happy about that, even if you woke me up at eight o'clock when I planned on snoozing some more.

And then it got me thinking... Are we friends again because of this? I despise you (a little, maybe, cause I'm mature now ha ha) and I am even avoiding you, which before I couldn't afford to do. I've been doing a few favors for you lately, and as much as it makes me think that you only think of me when you need something from me, I don't want to. I am hoping that we can still get things fixed between us. And maybe with these little favors, you get to realize my worth as well.

This is bad. But I shouldn't think of it that way. Cause this isn't about revenge or getting even. It's about giving ourselves time and space to heal and get back on our own feet, the way we were even before we met... Like starting over and being friends again. It's about being mature with handling the situation. We know for ourselves what happened and what is still wrong between the both of us, and only us. Because the people around us, they just see and judge, but they don't really understand. They will never ever understand.

I hope that that call was a wake up call. Literally and figuratively. I didn't expect it, but it was probably just what we both needed. So, thank you.

Yes, here we go again.

Seems like saying 'thank you,' asking for permission, or putting credits nowadays is a very hard thing to do. Wow, do you earn $100,000 an hour so saying thank you isn't really your thing? Right. Even Christian Grey knows how to say that word. Shame on all of you; you disgust me with your attitude.

Point blank, I have never been given the credit I deserve. NEVER. And you seem to enjoy rubbing it in my face. I am not asking for anything extravagant in return, just RESPECT.

There's just a few more time left before I explode... cause I can't just let everything pass like I'm not hurt. You're being too personal, and you're not playing fair.

I am furious right now but I won't let this ruin a very good day. Good night.

It has been quite a boring 'vacation' for me since for the past four days cause I've been nothing but a (healthy) couch potato.

I've been on the reset program again and today is my last day! I feel great and I think I've lost a couple of pounds and I'm inspired to be closer to my goal body before the year ends. Cause you know what January holds, right? Or maybe not. Well, it's the time I get to finally take my first 'before and after' photo and the month when my sister's going to get married! I have to look nice, no, jaw-droppingly stunning on that dress, so I have to eat well and work out! That's my mantra until then! And a lot of people have been asking for my before and after photo already so I have to give them that, especially those who didn't and still don't believe that I could do it. That's right. Suck it up, haters! Oh, oh! Cambodia-Vietnam-Thailand trip with best teammates of life on February 2013, and Boracay 2013 has been set as well, so time to top that body I had last summer! I have so much motivation and inspiration right now to reach my most aspired goal body by then. I'm so excited!!! :) I think I should hoard swim wear by now... Hmm. ;)

So anyway, yesterday I got to finish Awkward Season 2 (and Community Season 2 the other day) and I've had a lot of... realizations. This blogging thing made me feel more like Jenna, less the sex and a couple more other stuff but you get it. My life is just as complicated as hers but we're on different games, having a few common grounds:

1. We both have an online blog to where we do our honest rantings which we could never speak out loud, and only a few know of.
2. Our self is our own best adviser, or so I think. Getting advice from a guidance councilor and or friends helps a little... a little.
3. We are as confused as our problems. Being alone and talking to ourselves too much partially solves them.
4. We're surrounded by people who judge us, think lowly of us, and don't believe us. And we are to prove them wrong.
5. Do-overs may be good, but it holds much more consequences so it's a NO.
6. We seem like we don't care of what other people think of ourselves, but we do. A bit. And rejection gets the best of us.
7. And lastly, we both have the thought that exposing our blogs will not ultimately solve our problems, but may do good in a few instances, but eventually having it private would save us both the drama and stress of minding what other people think. Jenna's saving me from doing that mistake, so thank you, Jenna!

But maybe I'm just getting hooked and letting Awkward hit me so much. Maybe. I'm not really sure. I think I think too much. But if there's anything I'm sure of, it's being thankful that I got to watch Awkward and at least have a few realizations to myself. It'll eventually get better. I don't hope to have the problem Jenna had with Matty and Jake, and that of her parents, but I do hope to be a hot mom like her mom, Lacey. And yes, get my happily ever after someday. :)

So I got carried away and I'm drifting from the topic... snap, snap!


How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
- Alexander Pope


Yes, I also got to watch the film yesterday - told you I was being a couch potato (but a healthy one haha). It's a mind fuckingly awesome movie and I can't believe it took me eight years before I got to watch it. Damn. If you still haven't watched it, then I'll save you the story. It's a really good movie it's not worth the spoil. Just take my word for it and watch it! :)

After the movie, there was a war in my head, thousands of thoughts fighting for their lives to stay there. What if it's possible? What if I get to undergo the same procedure they had in the movie? Would it make my life less like a living hell, saving me from a bit of misery I now have, perhaps? Could we just start all over again and give us a better second chance? --- Then the Awkward realizations flashed back. NO DO-OVERS. I am stuck with what ifs but all these fiction isn't doing me any good. And I am far too optimistic to think that this, my reality, is the worst one can go through. I am stronger and definitely better than this. Hello, no desperation is needed. Giving everything time cause it will all eventually fall into place and it will make sense. I am merely not even halfway done this jigsaw puzzle we call life, and I'm not going to rush to finish it. I'm going to take my time, and who knows, someone might just help me put it together. :)

Wait. Why am I in this topic again? Last time I checked it was about series and movies... Well now, some realities.

November holds a lot of promises and opportunities. And to start, the Manila Bulletin Sports Digest November issue has just been released and now sold in all leading bookstores. Why this? I got our team featured in the magazine (and in our company magazine as well, and heyyy I didn't even receive a thank you. It's not my fault that I love the team and someone can't do their job well, but I don't mind helping out. Well, I haven't been receiving thank yous lately and it sucks, cause doing nice for someone isn't required and won't get me rich, but a little show of appreciation here? I'm just ranting, but I'm a little bit used to it. And that includes that fucked up feeling when people only talk to you JUST BECAUSE they need something from you... Yup, I am used to it.

But why am I even so nice? I've been fucked over a lot of times yet I still do it. I still help them. I still act as if no damage has been done, and allow them to fuck me up over and over again. I know, I'm stupid. Not getting a simple thank you is enough to crush a heart, but hey, mine's already been stepped on and possible got ran over by a train already, so what's worse, right? This speaks in so many different aspects of my life in completely different levels, and I'm not sure if you're following. Sigh. But anyway, it's something I have to live with for the rest of my life and I just hope all my efforts will be worth it someday, you know?

Enough of this. I don't want to spoil my movie marathon afternoon with all these. Ha! Or maybe I'll add some more later when I get to finish a couple more movies and reflect. Oh, vacation. What you do to me...