wandering thoughts

Well that was one eventful and bittersweet weekend. The attempted robbery, the race... everything happened so fast.

Something so deliberately planned didn't go well, and boy, we couldn't be any more thankful. We had a commotion at our house at around 3:30AM... a trespasser who attempted to rob our house and defended himself by saying that he was just around the house cause he needed nails cause there were people hunting him down. Hmm? It was so very well planned cause he knows what time my dad and sister leaves for work, and that my guy cousins are out for the night. We live in a compound so if you know how one looks, then you might just picture how it went. To cut the long story short, he was seen by my cousin who went home in the wee hours and caught him in action, just about to start his modus. The next thing I knew, I'm up at 3:30AM, stopping my cousin from prolonging the brawl. All of our neighbors were there and just watching the show. We have been having robberies around our neighborhood for the the past couple of months and this is what we've all been waiting for... a burglar to get caught. He was placed in custody, but our case being a weak one, I believe he was released today. Sad. We'd love to have him in prison for a couple of months but we didn't get to submit our plea. Just praying now that he learns his lesson and hoping that it doesn't happen again.

Sigh. Yes, at times like these, I wish I had pursued Law instead of Marketing... NAH.

So anyway, yesterday was the 3rd Leg of the Cobra Dragon Boat Regatta. Participating wasn't an issue until after a week before the race, but good thing I talked my parents into it and I was allowed, so hurrah! The only sad thing about it was that for the first time in three years... I was put in reserve. :( Yes, it literally broke my heart when I knew I wasn't racing for all of the categories I knew I should have been part of. Maybe because I backed out a week before then confirmed 3 days later, and missed two training days cause of work. I JUST MISSED TWO TRAINING DAYS. I have been training for weeks and weeks and weeks and it boiled down to that. I'm sorry if I'm taking this so seriously, but yes, it does matter. As a matter of fact, it matters to me a lot. I'm not holding any grudges but it's just that maybe, they don't fucking realize what I had to go through to get in the line up. Right, they don't. Fuck. I am so disappointed but I don't want this to be an issue so I refuse to talk to anyone about it. Heck, I don't plan to tell anyone about anything anymore, cause the last time I did it, people fucked me over and completely ruined my trust. Sigh. Enough of the hate. Anyway, we won bronze for the mixed category. And we plan to dominate in the fourth leg so fuck everything, I'm gonna end my last year, and maybe my last race ever in my dragon boat life, in high notes!

I also have been having a lot of disappointments, but you know... People change. And it's a fact I have to tattoo on my brain. I know why they act as such, so yes, I know them, but I don't judge them. I just hope they realize that and stop hurting me. Cause I'm sick and tired of being hurt. I'm sick and tired of always being the one who understands, the one who always gives way, the one who always sacrifices happiness for others. Getting it indirectly from one person is torture already. Please, I don't want any of it anymore. :( I just pray that I won't grow indifferent soon... Cause the line 'I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all' doesn't apply all the time. :(

And something happened earlier today. It made me smile a bit, cause I realized that even after everything... We're all good. I know we are, we just refuse to say it. I know it will not go back to the way it was, but at least now I am partly relieved cause I know it's just a matter of time that this will be fixed, cause we can and we will. Soon. All good, all good. :)

I have been staying up late for two consecutive nights already because of work. I slept at 2AM last Tuesday (technically Wednesday) and 1:30AM last night and it has caused me to miss two training days. It's a little bit frustrating cause everything just seems to be fighting for the most important priority for me right now. I know I should've slept earlier, but I have to submit my work before 8AM the following day, so I kinda have no choice but stay up and finish it, as there will be no time to cram in the morning. Training normally ends at around 7:30AM, and there's no way I'd get home by 8. That's just plain impossible.

I am mad at myself cause we have a race this coming Sunday, and missing training was the last thing on my list right now. We need to work and improve on a lot of things and having missed training significantly affects the whole of it. And now that I am still not done with work, I cannot attend pool training. Sigh. Must make up for it tomorrow!

Joining my family for breakfast is something that actually shocks not only my mom, but the whole household as well. It's just not normal on normal days. Whenever my mom sees me, she always says, "Oh! You're here. Aren't you supposed to be in training?" And then I just frown, and tell her I worked til the wee hours the night before and I didn't get to wake up in time. This happened two days in a row already, and after reasoning out, she scolds me, "You definitely should give yourself a break. The reason why you can't wake up early is because you hardly even rest. You force yourself to do everything you want to do, but you don't consider taking care of yourself." Not verbatim, but you get the idea. I don't really like being reprimanded, but this time, it was actually pretty nice. I felt concern and loved. For some reason, it was something I've been wanting to feel in a while now... Well, just since that thing last Sunday.

After being scolded this morning, mom and dad came home with a lot of groceries to spoil me! They bought a couple of days stock of fruits: watermelon, bananas, mangoes, apples and grapes! And they even got me a lot of cashews. YUM! My parents do know me well, and yes, these goodies make me a very happy and lucky kid. Mom added that they'd just shop for my veggies tomorrow at the market after church. Ahhh, I love my parents. If being scolded gives this kind of perk, then I'd gladly disobey them... Kidding!

Anyway, there has been someone snooping and reading my blog... I know it. Please let me know who you are. Drop a comment?

I don't know if it's just insomnia that's keeping me up the past few days or the excessive coffee I consume to not fall asleep while working. Maybe it's the coffee. Well I better get back to work now; I wouldn't want to sleep late again tonight! And oh, I made sure to drink decaffeinated coffee today!

I know. Probably most of you are, too. And more often than not, we tend to lie to one of the most asked, seemingly least complicated yet hardest questions of all time: Are you OK?

With everything that has been going on for the past few days, weeks even, it was the question I feared most to be asked. It's because as much as I want to share to my friends how I feel, what my problems are, it all just leads to nothing but another quicksand. I am dragged to a level where I never even was. I have been pitying myself enough with all of this, and getting more from others is something I don't think I could take. Worth-wise, I am honestly challenged to not vent this out cause I don't want to bother my friends cause I need them to hear me, when I know that at some point, they may not even care at all.

Face your fears, they say. Today, I was asked that question by two of the people who don't know have hurt me. It was unexpected, and the moment I heard those three words... I felt my nerves die, my brain completely blacked out, blood drenched from my face, and literally just froze. It took a while before I could answer, and attempting to mutter the words 'I'm fine' needed some intense mustering of courage from my guts. I've heard more words from them, some explanations, I think. But my emotions were taking over me and my heart just sank. They got me at my disadvantage... my emotional vulnerability. And at that time, I wanted to shut the world down, leave and just cry it all out alone.

"Mel?" She said, and then I snap out of my own world. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take all of it. There was silence on my end. They kept talking to me and asking me but the only words I could reply to them were "I'm OK" or "I'm fine." And the first and last thing on my mind when it all started was to end it and somehow manage to get out of it alive. Well, I did. But then for the first time ever, I finally got to admit to myself... I'm a terrible liar.

My manner of writing... Yep! I haven't blogged for so long that I think I have forgotten how to write cohesively. My two previous posts seemed gibberish. How sad. :( But anyway, I'll do something about it. Expect improvements on my next posts (haha not that I'm expecting anyone to read my blog), I'll get a hang of this again. :)

Oh! Made a new account on Instagram, and it's full of fitness and wellness stuff. So now I have two accounts: my personal one and fitness/advisor/professional one. I hope the latter gets Instafamous! So far I have posted 5 photos, each has at least 20 likes, and I got myself 3 followers in a span of 2 hours. Not bad for a start?

Yes, I am doing this to distract myself from all the shit and drama in the real life. Sick and tired of all the lying and all them posers, pretending to be my friend when they aren't, and they're just taking advantage of me cause they think I don't know. I'm not dumb and insensitive, and that clearly sets us apart. They should've known better... Oh wait, only my real friends know that. Oops! I have one question for you, though. If you haven't done anything wrong, then why are you guilty? No hatin! :)

I never knew being (or pretending to be) strong can get too tiring. This is in light of my break down earlier this morning; I have realized that all this time, I have been dependent solely on my self, my judgments, my philosophies, and I was pretty much well. But the moment I let people get in my bubble, that's where things just fall apart.

In all honesty, I have trust issues. I am possessive and I get jealous. I have been hurt so many times that I give my trust to people who I know deserve it most. But you know, people change and reality just slapped me in the face cause at this point, my trust in them is slowly going down the drain. It's heartbreaking and disappointing at the same time that even if they don't tell me things that make me feel that way, their actions speak to me the same way my antihistamines take effect in my body. I feel that after everything, they have chosen to defy me.

But maybe the problem's with me. I hope they tell me, cause that's what friends do, right? I'd rather have them tell me what's wrong than go behind my back. I think I deserve to hear all of it. It hurts a hundred times more knowing they're keeping things from me, worse, acting indifferently towards me in a snap and I am left clueless, looking like the most pathetic imbecile on this planet. Friends are not supposed to do that... Or so I think. They're supposed to be real with you. Be true to you. Not take everything you've said and your weaknesses against you. Lift you up and not drag you down... They're showing me otherwise, and it's breaking my heart.

Now, how do I get back on my feet when they've successfully shattered every ounce of self-esteem I have? I feel so small... Literally and figuratively. I never knew friends could make you feel the worst of yourself. I've given them access to my life and they robbed me... Robbed me of everything I thought that made me richest. My passion, my trust, the relationships, everything. All because they have led me to doubt them.

I have so many questions. I need answers. But this situation is different. This is a fucking 1000-path maze and I'm just about to take my first step. When I'd get to the right path? I don't know. Maybe I won't even get there, but I hope I do. I'm hopeful that I'd get to save even just a little of whatever that'll be left out of all this.

Sigh.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared to face them but I have to. Now that I've been allowed to race on Sunday... Oh, Lord. Please help me get through all this. I'm so emotionally vulnerable and I hope I survive the next couple of days. I'm planning to stay mum for as long as I can and keep the sharing to a minimum, should they ask. But then again, no one ever really asks how I am, how I feel towards everything. Heck, no one probably even cares about me. I don't want to dwell on this thought and just feed myself more reasons to be depressed. Because I've had enough of it and I know I deserve better that this... I just have to convince myself that and get myself together. I don't want any more of this misery.

Run. Run fast. Run for hours and hours. Earphones plugged, run and shut the world down.

Oh, I want to book a flight to somewhere. Go away for a couple of days. Time alone. Think things over. But I don't know if that's such a good idea. A penny for your thoughts?

Well, look who's into blogging again! Welcome back?

This was actually kind of unexpected cause all along, I thought I was OK, but then something happened... And somehow, I feel that no matter how much I tell my friends how I feel, we would never be on the same page, simply because they haven't been in the same situation as I have.

For a couple of days now, I have been in a train wreck of emotions. I talked less. I socialized less. I preferred being alone most of the time. With that, I am left alone with my dangerous, assuming, wandering thoughts. And earlier today at church, for the first time ever, I broke down. Literally. From the moment the mass started until it finished, I was crying. I was with my clueless family, and then halfway through the mass, my mom asked me, "Are you wearing your contact lens?" Getting teary eyed is normal when I'm on my contacts, so maybe she thought it was about it. I said yes, but then maybe she knew it wasn't just about it. Well, of course she knew something was definitely up. The moment she asked me why I was crying... Hello, Niagara falls! I couldn't hold my emotions anymore and no matter how hard I try to stop myself from sobbing, I just couldn't. It went on for a good five minutes, and the rest was history. But in case you want to know,  I cried outside the restaurant and in a cubicle in the restaurant's restroom. But I managed to get myself together, so...

My thoughts are clouding up like a tornado in my head right now, and I can't wait to vent them all out here.