That awful, awful feeling...

When no one appreciates what you do.

When people don't realize how much they are hurting you, but instead of making a fuss out of it, you keep it all in.

When people who you love dearly take you for granted.

When one of your closest friends choose to be dishonest with you and talk you out of something thinking it was concern but rather an ulterior motive.

When people choose to ignore you because to them you seem irrelevant now.

When people ask for your help but never get a 'thank you' in return.

When you realize that you are fighting the wrong battle.

When you should've said no a long time ago, but kept on saying yes.

When you are forced to be indifferent when everything is eating you up inside.

When running away becomes one of your choices as a solution.

When you feel a connivance forming against you - with your so-called friends in it.

When you realize that a close friend has turned out to be someone you just used to know.

When bridges built and tested for years are burnt in a snap of a finger.

When you are starting to be replaced by someone else because you were never good enough.

When people who you thought cared about you, actually didn't.

When no one understands, and no one tries to understand you.

When trust doesn't seem exist anymore.

When you start to doubt yourself.

When you're just emotinally tired of all the crap around you.

When your happy, optimistic bubble bursts and you just feel like giving up.

When you just feel alone.

When you realize that all the while, the cause of their actions has always been your fault, and never theirs.

Perks of being a wedding coordinator

Do you still remember that time when you were still a kid and dreamed of getting married to that one guy in his shining armor, who sweeps you off your feet and catches you as you fall? Well, we all still do that until now, I don't blame you. Day dreaming about what you want to happen in your future gives you that giddy, butterlies-in-my-stomach kind of feeling and watching others' dream weddings come to life just gives you that littlest amount of hope that, yes, it can still happen.

I work part-time in an events organizing company that specializes in weddings. How I got there was probably just mere luck or fate cause there, I work with my teammates-slash-closest friends-slash-best girl friends from dragon boat, and aside from that awesome fact, we love what we do. I love what I do. I've always been inclined to events since God knows when, and I don't think I could be any luckier.

Wedding, after wedding, after wedding... Watching and hearing the couple say their vows and that life changing exchange of 'I do,' and making their special day unfold before their very eyes is basically the life of a wedding coordinator. I'm still relatively new to this whole wedding industry, and what I say is probably just the gist of really happens, but trust me when I say that the feeling of actually being there, seeing it for yourself and sharing the feeling of everyone's happiness through their tears is just priceless. Dream, after dream, after dream... And then it got me thinking, when will mine happen?

I am 21 years young, turning 22 in just over two months, and I am a unicorn. Yep, that girl who's never had a boyfriend, clinging on to those fairytales and saving her firsts for that one guy she's been waiting for all her life. And working as an events coordinator, I'm telling you, although it is very fulfilling, it's emotionally hard cause I get jealous all the time. I want a wedding like this, I want a wedding like that... Oh, snap! I'm planning something so far ahead, and I forgot, where's my husband to be? And if there's an answer to this question, I am hoping and just praying to God that mine didn't get hit by a truck.


I confirmed to be in the line up for a wedding on January 3, weeks before the actual event. I didn't know why I wanted to work that early (cause I'm pretty lax), but I did. Normally, our weddings happen in the hustle and bustle of the Metro, and it's just one of those rare ones that happen in the South. The wedding yesterday took place in Alabang - how convenient for someone who just lives in Sucat! Since I am just a coordinator and I don't plan and organize, I just learn everything about the wedding on the day itself.

Arriving at the hotel reception early with Gie, we had the time to fix ourselves with no rush at all. The hotel was relatively small for a five-star one, having only 15 floors and a reeky parking lot at basement three, but it was all good. We stayed at the lobby with stylish victorian inspired interiors, which reminded me of my first debut in the company, and had the first few tasks delegated by Kuya Gelo, the account manager. Minutes later, we headed to the bride's room and just as we were walking towards the elevator, we were given a heads up that the couple is extremely OC... And that was the cue. Nothing can and should absolutely go wrong on their special day, and we were advised to be extra bibbo the whole day. I got nervous cause I got a bit of hangover from a session I had with my friends the night before and I only had three hours of sleep, but that all changed when the bride opened the door. She was all bubbly and cute and just plain adorable that her contagious positive energy instantaneously filled the room. I absorbed it like a sponge.

When everything was all settled in her room, I headed to see the ballroom. It was probably nearly halfway done when I went in, but I was stunned and literally left speechless that beautiful is an understatement. I've been to a couple of hotel receptions and yesterday was probably the first time that typical huge chandeliers weren't used for the room's lighting, but twigs instead. It was simple yet elegant and just pleasing to the eyes. I fell in love with it.

We left for the church a little later after our meeting and just as soon as I got in... 'This is the church I want to get married in, if I'm not doing it on a beach,' I said to myself. I have seen and been to the outside of that church, but it was just yesterday that I got the chance to go in. It was amazing, stunning and just so beautiful. The fact that it was in Alabang and the thought of convenience elevated my want in so many levels.

There were two probable highlights of the wedding. One was when the doors opened and the the bride stood there against the blinding light with her silhouette and long trail. Everyone, including me, was so emotional as she walked slowly down that aisle. As I assisted the father of the bride to take her daughter's hand, my eyes were already flooding and I was fighting gravity on the urge of my tears to fall. The second one was the exchange of vows by the couple, which made a lot more impact. To share the most striking words of the bride to her groom, not verbatim:

"Totoo nga na sabi nila, God's timing is always perfect, never too late and never too early. We've been friends for 14 years, and a couple for 9 years. Hindi ko inakala noong una na ikaw, na best friend ko, ang makakaharap ko sa simbahang ito at makakasama ko sa habang buhay. Everything was made according to His plan and in His time."

I cried. Not only because did her words had so much meaning to it, but also because it spoke to me as if I were her future self.

It was perfect... Even the weather was. It drizzled while we were inside church and even gloomy, but just as soon as the couple stepped outside, the sun was out and the almost sunset view was glorious.

The reception went so suave - the guests, program, gifts, food, performances, surprises, venue, suppliers and all other tasks we needed to accomplish throughout the entire duration. There were minimal, if not none, complications but they were easily resolved. The photo and video on-site were truly just so beautiful and breathtaking, and by far the best ones I've seen since I started working. It was so great that I myself enjoyed it so much I cried again. That's not new, but know what? Turned out almost everyone cried. Guests, even the suppliers, were drying up the tears on their eyes as the lights went on again. The room was filled with emotion and you can literally feel it just seeing everyone's faces. It was legitimately amazing.

But see, my reason for crying wasn't only that the AVPs were touching, but rather, I was moved from the start to the finish because I saw myself in her, in their story.

After the reception, we had the chance to get a bit up close and personal with the bride, which rarely happens during events cause on normal occasions, it's just the account manager who gets to do that. Gie, Hannah and I were at the crew lounge having our dinner when the bride walked in and thanked us for our efforts for her wedding. Her arrival was in such good timing cause everyone already left and it was just the three of us who were there. I don't know if it's just her aura or us being plain happy (for a thousand of reasons, one is that we three were together in the event) that we were so comfortable with her. We got to ask her questions and she shared her love story, not verbatim:

"Siya yung first ko: first boyfriend, first kiss, first lahat. Nagmeet kami nung high school tapos friends na kami since then. Naging mag best friends kami tapos nung una, inaasar asar lang kami ng mga friends namin. Pero crush ko siya talaga, tapos nauwi sa asar asar. One day, tinanong niya ako kung love ko siya, sinabi ko, oo. The next thing I know, kami na... holding hands na may pasway sway pa, tapos eto na kami ngayon, kasal na. Kaya advice ko sa inyo girls, pag tinanong kayo kung mahal niyo ba, sabihin niyo yung totoo kasi malay niyo di ba? Sino magaakala na magiging kami pala? Alam niyo ba sobrang funny nga kasi sa farthern QC kami nakatira, wala talaga samin from South, at hindi ko din alam kung bakit sa sobrang daming pwedeng pagkasalan, dito pa talaga. Ang dami namin chineck out na venue, pero yung twigs sa ceiling ng hotel, that's what got me. Favorite ko din kasi yung color green kaya yun motif namin. Basta, wag kayong magmamadali, kasi dadating din yan. In God's time."

This was a collated speech of her answers, and you'd probably get what kind of questions we were asking. Point blank, we three went gaga in kilig. She was the living proof for us three unicorns that yes, it can still happen. It was a fairytale. If you know me very well, and by that I mean my the whole of my so-called love story, you'd also see myself in her shoes, the way I did. Future self? Probably saying the same exact words to three other unicorns in a couple of years time. Green, dragon boat, yes? Oh, and a trivia: they had their first date in a parking lot! I shared a little bit of my story to her: how very much alike how we are now to how they were before, and I said to her that IF the same happens for us, I'll ask them to be one of my principal sponsors and she happily said sure. It was an intimate, heartwarming, and inspiring fifteen minutes of my life that made my day. At least I think I got answers to questions I've been wanting to ask, so that's a bit of relief, too!

The bride asked us (a bit of forcing, actually) to help ourselves with the drinks in the bar cause there were only a couple of guests and there were still a lot of drinks. With sin tax and seize the opportunity realization, we gave in. However, I actually didn't plan on drinking. I just wanted to accompany my girls cause they have been itching to drink. When we got to the bar, we were asking the bartenders on what's the best drink on the table but we were all just drinking water then, still contemplating on what to drink. A few seconds later, the intoxicated groom shouts 'shot!' at us three and I declined. I tried to hide and even run, but he runs after me and said 'Malas tumanggi sa bagong kasal. Sige na, shot tayo, sayo yung mas mahina tama akin na lang yung malakas.' How could I say no? All four of us took a shot and right then and there, he reminded me of him. His guy cousins made him a surprise video during the program and they were all there drinking and being merry after the party. They were all so close... Very much like him and his family. He called on first the shot, too. Why does that sound so... Hmm. And the running I did? Real life metaphor slapped on my face. I always run when it's about him, but it was a good thing I took the shot and for once, did not deny. With the words of the bride at the back of my head, maybe I have been denying. I know, but it's just because I'm scared and a no would kill me. But I am in no rush. They've been friends for 14 years, and we're not even halfway that. Our story is probably still in the making, so yes, this gave me hope... A whole lot of it. What happened after that was just a bunch of crazy blabbing and of course, we did have a lot of fun. Oh, the ones who were at the after party were very much like us... How we have fun, how we speak, and how we see ourselves. Felt like we are all from the same generation! Just how cool is that?

I must say, it was the perfect wedding. For me, it was more ideal than all those grandiose weddings I've attended and the cute and genuinely happy couple definitely raised the bar. Did I mention they loved dancing as well? They weren't really good but they definitely jammed to the beats; they were having so much fun! Ha! The littlest of resemblance...

My realizations were so much to take in in one night, but it's definitely moving. Who would have thought that from a friend encouraging me to join their company, my confirmation in the line up, to the fact that we got to bond with the bride and groom whom we met just about 12 hours earlier could have made so much impact on how I see my future? Too metaphoric. The talk with the bride with us unicorns? Too ironic. I can't move on.

Yes, I just had to write about it. I will look back at this post someday. I am so happy I got to be part of their wedding... Or maybe I was meant to be there. We were meant to hear their story and see our dream become a reality, at least for them. Yes, God's perfect timing. And if this is the sign I've been asking for, well, thank You. Seen and heard it loud and clear, God. You and Your ways never fail me. I really didn't see this one coming, but I couldn't be more thankful for this, for everything. :)

New Year

Just kind of excited of what the future holds for me, you know? I may not have everything settled out for me - I don't have plans yet and I am not exactly sure of what I want to do with it just yet, but I hope everything works out for me. Just going to leave every piece of negativity behind and welcome all the good things and opportunities like a sponge! Forgive and forget? Maybe. Yes. Start anew! I do seem like I got everything figured out but I actually don't. I'm a great actress. :)

Anyway, above everything, I am thinking of doing a photo project - a clouds 365. But I'm not sure yet. If I'm successful this week, then I'm going to pursue it. So I hope I manage to! :)

Cheers to a new year!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Define flirt? Yep, it has your name all over it. Oh, buuurn!

Trying to take my place?

Yep, someone is.

And right now, I just don't know how to feel about it. Jealous? Maybe. Flattered? Well, I should be. for God's sake, someone's trying to be me and that's a heavy compliment. Just goes to show how much someone's trying to have the life I have, the relationships I have, which she never had. And thinking about it, it's her who's jealous of me in the first place. And there should be no reason why I should feel the same, cause whatever happens, she can never take my place or what I have... Or what I had. Right. :)

Although it is a little bit annoying... Ugh. Need to divert attention!!!

Chosen few

I've always got lots of friends, but only few know me too well to actually know what is going through my crazy head.

I couldn't be more thankful to have a very good friend who knew exactly what to say just as I said what my head (and heart) screamed for. She understands, and she doesn't comfort me for she says what she thinks is right, even if it will hurt me. I think true friends are supposed to be like that, bringing you up and changing you to the better and doesn't spoil you with comforting words you'd always want to hear when you're going through something. Rest assured, they're still on your side.

No one actually reads my blog, but if ever this comes out to the public, I'd want the world to know that I am very blessed to have met someone like you, Trisha Villanueva. Thank you for listening to me yesterday, when I'm so down and just needed someone to talk to. It's you I chose to talk to about it cause despite not getting to bond like before, you still know me. And you're one of the chosen few who actually do, and put up with me even if my views are on the other side of the world. You bring me back to where I'm supposed to be, and I couldn't be more thankful. Your words may not be the kindest at times, but they're the best words to hear to snap me back to reality, and remind me that things don't always go my way and people will always change and hurt me even if they intentionally do it or not. I'm thankful, and you are a blessing. :)

I hope you get to read this one day. This post goes to Jikay Laborte as well, with whom I seek guidance in almost everything when I'm troubled. You girls always know the exact words to say, and a thank you wouldn't be enough to tell how happy I am that God gave me friends like you. But from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I don't know if I could return the favor, but I will always try. :)

There's a lot of people I'd like to thank, but for this post and as a reflection of yesterday's (and the past couple of says) feeling, it's you two I'd like to commend.

Again, thank you. :)

Dream Runs

I've been really really preoccupied these past couple of weeks that I have failed to write an update. Oh, life. Better than bum, right?

Anyway, I am still in the process of changing my lifestyle (I have gotten sweet results, if you should know), and I have developed an intense passion and love for running. I wanted to lose weight before so I jogged. And that was it, jogging for the sake of losing weight. But over the past couple of moths, I have increased pace and improved significantly that I run now. Running for the sake of it, because I learned to love it. It's an overwhelming feeling knowing that running longer distances seemed easier because you have gotten better.

I joined this bootcamp, FitFil, in MOA headed by Coach Jim Saret and it's our last week this week, and I can't wait for graduation! I don't know if I've lost weight or not, but what I do know is that I have gotten stronger and better, and met new people and friends along the way - the kind you want to have because you share the same passion, and losing weight just seemed as the bonus. Anyway, we were required to run and participate in the Milo Marathon, which was held yesterday in MOA, so I joined the 5k category. It's my first legitimate run (with time) but I had a rough start --- we, fitfils, were supposed to run together but it was too late before I knew that I can go ahead and just wait for them in the finish line. We walked for a good three minutes. Being a first timer, I didn't know that my time already started cause I had no idea how those chips worked. Define fail. So now, my time was sabotaged. And a lot of people were blocking the way, too, so I couldn't run as fast as I wanted. :(

But anyway, I think that that Milo run sparked my inner runner cause while I was waiting for my co-fitfils at our tent (yes, I finished way ahead), my mind wandered and I daydreamed about my future runs and how I want to beat my record and collect bibs, singlets and finisher medals (cause I got jealous of the man who ran 41k)! Right there, I made a promise to myself and thought of the theme of my photo project for the next year: I will join a (fun) run/(half) marathon at least once every month! I have two runs lined up already, and it's the Color Run MNL in January, and Condura Skyway Run in February. Oh, make that three cause I plan to join the Angkor Wat International Half Marathon on December 2013. Well, I can dream, right? But heck, I plan to make this a reality. I remember tweeting and blogging on Tumblr about how I dream to run along the skyway and join the color run in the US... Well, the stars are aligned in my favor for 2013! And as for the AWIHM, I believe He will make a way that I will have the resources and support to get me there. It doesn't even matter if I go with friends or alone - I will make this work for me! :)

Some of my other dream runs would be to join a beach run, and... to run only in my sports bra. Yes, be THAT fit! :))

I have very supportive parents and friends and I hope this 2013 plan will keep me at my fittest as well, since being fit and strong was the core reason for all of these. Hihi so stoked already!!! :)

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