wandering thoughts

I know. Probably most of you are, too. And more often than not, we tend to lie to one of the most asked, seemingly least complicated yet hardest questions of all time: Are you OK?

With everything that has been going on for the past few days, weeks even, it was the question I feared most to be asked. It's because as much as I want to share to my friends how I feel, what my problems are, it all just leads to nothing but another quicksand. I am dragged to a level where I never even was. I have been pitying myself enough with all of this, and getting more from others is something I don't think I could take. Worth-wise, I am honestly challenged to not vent this out cause I don't want to bother my friends cause I need them to hear me, when I know that at some point, they may not even care at all.

Face your fears, they say. Today, I was asked that question by two of the people who don't know have hurt me. It was unexpected, and the moment I heard those three words... I felt my nerves die, my brain completely blacked out, blood drenched from my face, and literally just froze. It took a while before I could answer, and attempting to mutter the words 'I'm fine' needed some intense mustering of courage from my guts. I've heard more words from them, some explanations, I think. But my emotions were taking over me and my heart just sank. They got me at my disadvantage... my emotional vulnerability. And at that time, I wanted to shut the world down, leave and just cry it all out alone.

"Mel?" She said, and then I snap out of my own world. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take all of it. There was silence on my end. They kept talking to me and asking me but the only words I could reply to them were "I'm OK" or "I'm fine." And the first and last thing on my mind when it all started was to end it and somehow manage to get out of it alive. Well, I did. But then for the first time ever, I finally got to admit to myself... I'm a terrible liar.