wandering thoughts

I never knew being (or pretending to be) strong can get too tiring. This is in light of my break down earlier this morning; I have realized that all this time, I have been dependent solely on my self, my judgments, my philosophies, and I was pretty much well. But the moment I let people get in my bubble, that's where things just fall apart.

In all honesty, I have trust issues. I am possessive and I get jealous. I have been hurt so many times that I give my trust to people who I know deserve it most. But you know, people change and reality just slapped me in the face cause at this point, my trust in them is slowly going down the drain. It's heartbreaking and disappointing at the same time that even if they don't tell me things that make me feel that way, their actions speak to me the same way my antihistamines take effect in my body. I feel that after everything, they have chosen to defy me.

But maybe the problem's with me. I hope they tell me, cause that's what friends do, right? I'd rather have them tell me what's wrong than go behind my back. I think I deserve to hear all of it. It hurts a hundred times more knowing they're keeping things from me, worse, acting indifferently towards me in a snap and I am left clueless, looking like the most pathetic imbecile on this planet. Friends are not supposed to do that... Or so I think. They're supposed to be real with you. Be true to you. Not take everything you've said and your weaknesses against you. Lift you up and not drag you down... They're showing me otherwise, and it's breaking my heart.

Now, how do I get back on my feet when they've successfully shattered every ounce of self-esteem I have? I feel so small... Literally and figuratively. I never knew friends could make you feel the worst of yourself. I've given them access to my life and they robbed me... Robbed me of everything I thought that made me richest. My passion, my trust, the relationships, everything. All because they have led me to doubt them.

I have so many questions. I need answers. But this situation is different. This is a fucking 1000-path maze and I'm just about to take my first step. When I'd get to the right path? I don't know. Maybe I won't even get there, but I hope I do. I'm hopeful that I'd get to save even just a little of whatever that'll be left out of all this.

Sigh.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared to face them but I have to. Now that I've been allowed to race on Sunday... Oh, Lord. Please help me get through all this. I'm so emotionally vulnerable and I hope I survive the next couple of days. I'm planning to stay mum for as long as I can and keep the sharing to a minimum, should they ask. But then again, no one ever really asks how I am, how I feel towards everything. Heck, no one probably even cares about me. I don't want to dwell on this thought and just feed myself more reasons to be depressed. Because I've had enough of it and I know I deserve better that this... I just have to convince myself that and get myself together. I don't want any more of this misery.

Run. Run fast. Run for hours and hours. Earphones plugged, run and shut the world down.

Oh, I want to book a flight to somewhere. Go away for a couple of days. Time alone. Think things over. But I don't know if that's such a good idea. A penny for your thoughts?