wandering thoughts

Define flirt? Yep, it has your name all over it. Oh, buuurn!

Yep, someone is.

And right now, I just don't know how to feel about it. Jealous? Maybe. Flattered? Well, I should be. for God's sake, someone's trying to be me and that's a heavy compliment. Just goes to show how much someone's trying to have the life I have, the relationships I have, which she never had. And thinking about it, it's her who's jealous of me in the first place. And there should be no reason why I should feel the same, cause whatever happens, she can never take my place or what I have... Or what I had. Right. :)

Although it is a little bit annoying... Ugh. Need to divert attention!!!

I've always got lots of friends, but only few know me too well to actually know what is going through my crazy head.

I couldn't be more thankful to have a very good friend who knew exactly what to say just as I said what my head (and heart) screamed for. She understands, and she doesn't comfort me for she says what she thinks is right, even if it will hurt me. I think true friends are supposed to be like that, bringing you up and changing you to the better and doesn't spoil you with comforting words you'd always want to hear when you're going through something. Rest assured, they're still on your side.

No one actually reads my blog, but if ever this comes out to the public, I'd want the world to know that I am very blessed to have met someone like you, Trisha Villanueva. Thank you for listening to me yesterday, when I'm so down and just needed someone to talk to. It's you I chose to talk to about it cause despite not getting to bond like before, you still know me. And you're one of the chosen few who actually do, and put up with me even if my views are on the other side of the world. You bring me back to where I'm supposed to be, and I couldn't be more thankful. Your words may not be the kindest at times, but they're the best words to hear to snap me back to reality, and remind me that things don't always go my way and people will always change and hurt me even if they intentionally do it or not. I'm thankful, and you are a blessing. :)

I hope you get to read this one day. This post goes to Jikay Laborte as well, with whom I seek guidance in almost everything when I'm troubled. You girls always know the exact words to say, and a thank you wouldn't be enough to tell how happy I am that God gave me friends like you. But from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I don't know if I could return the favor, but I will always try. :)

There's a lot of people I'd like to thank, but for this post and as a reflection of yesterday's (and the past couple of says) feeling, it's you two I'd like to commend.

Again, thank you. :)

I've been really really preoccupied these past couple of weeks that I have failed to write an update. Oh, life. Better than bum, right?

Anyway, I am still in the process of changing my lifestyle (I have gotten sweet results, if you should know), and I have developed an intense passion and love for running. I wanted to lose weight before so I jogged. And that was it, jogging for the sake of losing weight. But over the past couple of moths, I have increased pace and improved significantly that I run now. Running for the sake of it, because I learned to love it. It's an overwhelming feeling knowing that running longer distances seemed easier because you have gotten better.

I joined this bootcamp, FitFil, in MOA headed by Coach Jim Saret and it's our last week this week, and I can't wait for graduation! I don't know if I've lost weight or not, but what I do know is that I have gotten stronger and better, and met new people and friends along the way - the kind you want to have because you share the same passion, and losing weight just seemed as the bonus. Anyway, we were required to run and participate in the Milo Marathon, which was held yesterday in MOA, so I joined the 5k category. It's my first legitimate run (with time) but I had a rough start --- we, fitfils, were supposed to run together but it was too late before I knew that I can go ahead and just wait for them in the finish line. We walked for a good three minutes. Being a first timer, I didn't know that my time already started cause I had no idea how those chips worked. Define fail. So now, my time was sabotaged. And a lot of people were blocking the way, too, so I couldn't run as fast as I wanted. :(

But anyway, I think that that Milo run sparked my inner runner cause while I was waiting for my co-fitfils at our tent (yes, I finished way ahead), my mind wandered and I daydreamed about my future runs and how I want to beat my record and collect bibs, singlets and finisher medals (cause I got jealous of the man who ran 41k)! Right there, I made a promise to myself and thought of the theme of my photo project for the next year: I will join a (fun) run/(half) marathon at least once every month! I have two runs lined up already, and it's the Color Run MNL in January, and Condura Skyway Run in February. Oh, make that three cause I plan to join the Angkor Wat International Half Marathon on December 2013. Well, I can dream, right? But heck, I plan to make this a reality. I remember tweeting and blogging on Tumblr about how I dream to run along the skyway and join the color run in the US... Well, the stars are aligned in my favor for 2013! And as for the AWIHM, I believe He will make a way that I will have the resources and support to get me there. It doesn't even matter if I go with friends or alone - I will make this work for me! :)

Some of my other dream runs would be to join a beach run, and... to run only in my sports bra. Yes, be THAT fit! :))

I have very supportive parents and friends and I hope this 2013 plan will keep me at my fittest as well, since being fit and strong was the core reason for all of these. Hihi so stoked already!!! :)

Awkward, and then not so awkward, and then hanging out with a hint of small talks. I guess we're on our way to being OK, then?

The Halloween party seemed to be a nightmare I just wanted to wake up on. Well, just for a few minutes, at least. A lot of 'should have been' ran through my mind the moment I got home and lied down on my bed, and realizing the effects of my action. Why did I even have to do that? I knew it was the fucking end of everything and all my previous hopes went down the drain.

I expected the worst, but it didn't happen. Boy, was I glad! We got to hang out yesterday and the day before, and I could just be thankful to two people for making it possible cause we're actually doing small talks now. I'm beyond excited to bring back the friendship! Too giddy to contain! :)

I'm not going into the details, but yes, so far, the seeming 'set'up' is something pretty healthy for our relationship. I'm glad that the littlest of efforts are healing us by a milestone. Or at least, for myself. Hihi :)

Has it been that long since we last talked? I can't believe I didn't recognize your voice.

You were probably thinking that if it was your name I saw, I wouldn't answer the call. Hmm. Well, yes, I'd like to think of it that way. I'd like to think that I'd to it that way, too, but you got some strategy going on there and you caught me at a disadvantage - groggy and half awake. But I'm not that mean and it was too late before I've gotten to put some thought into it. All the while I thought it was someone else, and then later in the conversation, you realized the same that you had to introduce yourself. Ha! That's screaming 'good' for me. I can't believe I didn't recognize you, for once. And I'm happy about that, even if you woke me up at eight o'clock when I planned on snoozing some more.

And then it got me thinking... Are we friends again because of this? I despise you (a little, maybe, cause I'm mature now ha ha) and I am even avoiding you, which before I couldn't afford to do. I've been doing a few favors for you lately, and as much as it makes me think that you only think of me when you need something from me, I don't want to. I am hoping that we can still get things fixed between us. And maybe with these little favors, you get to realize my worth as well.

This is bad. But I shouldn't think of it that way. Cause this isn't about revenge or getting even. It's about giving ourselves time and space to heal and get back on our own feet, the way we were even before we met... Like starting over and being friends again. It's about being mature with handling the situation. We know for ourselves what happened and what is still wrong between the both of us, and only us. Because the people around us, they just see and judge, but they don't really understand. They will never ever understand.

I hope that that call was a wake up call. Literally and figuratively. I didn't expect it, but it was probably just what we both needed. So, thank you.

Yes, here we go again.

Seems like saying 'thank you,' asking for permission, or putting credits nowadays is a very hard thing to do. Wow, do you earn $100,000 an hour so saying thank you isn't really your thing? Right. Even Christian Grey knows how to say that word. Shame on all of you; you disgust me with your attitude.

Point blank, I have never been given the credit I deserve. NEVER. And you seem to enjoy rubbing it in my face. I am not asking for anything extravagant in return, just RESPECT.

There's just a few more time left before I explode... cause I can't just let everything pass like I'm not hurt. You're being too personal, and you're not playing fair.

I am furious right now but I won't let this ruin a very good day. Good night.

It has been quite a boring 'vacation' for me since for the past four days cause I've been nothing but a (healthy) couch potato.

I've been on the reset program again and today is my last day! I feel great and I think I've lost a couple of pounds and I'm inspired to be closer to my goal body before the year ends. Cause you know what January holds, right? Or maybe not. Well, it's the time I get to finally take my first 'before and after' photo and the month when my sister's going to get married! I have to look nice, no, jaw-droppingly stunning on that dress, so I have to eat well and work out! That's my mantra until then! And a lot of people have been asking for my before and after photo already so I have to give them that, especially those who didn't and still don't believe that I could do it. That's right. Suck it up, haters! Oh, oh! Cambodia-Vietnam-Thailand trip with best teammates of life on February 2013, and Boracay 2013 has been set as well, so time to top that body I had last summer! I have so much motivation and inspiration right now to reach my most aspired goal body by then. I'm so excited!!! :) I think I should hoard swim wear by now... Hmm. ;)

So anyway, yesterday I got to finish Awkward Season 2 (and Community Season 2 the other day) and I've had a lot of... realizations. This blogging thing made me feel more like Jenna, less the sex and a couple more other stuff but you get it. My life is just as complicated as hers but we're on different games, having a few common grounds:

1. We both have an online blog to where we do our honest rantings which we could never speak out loud, and only a few know of.
2. Our self is our own best adviser, or so I think. Getting advice from a guidance councilor and or friends helps a little... a little.
3. We are as confused as our problems. Being alone and talking to ourselves too much partially solves them.
4. We're surrounded by people who judge us, think lowly of us, and don't believe us. And we are to prove them wrong.
5. Do-overs may be good, but it holds much more consequences so it's a NO.
6. We seem like we don't care of what other people think of ourselves, but we do. A bit. And rejection gets the best of us.
7. And lastly, we both have the thought that exposing our blogs will not ultimately solve our problems, but may do good in a few instances, but eventually having it private would save us both the drama and stress of minding what other people think. Jenna's saving me from doing that mistake, so thank you, Jenna!

But maybe I'm just getting hooked and letting Awkward hit me so much. Maybe. I'm not really sure. I think I think too much. But if there's anything I'm sure of, it's being thankful that I got to watch Awkward and at least have a few realizations to myself. It'll eventually get better. I don't hope to have the problem Jenna had with Matty and Jake, and that of her parents, but I do hope to be a hot mom like her mom, Lacey. And yes, get my happily ever after someday. :)

So I got carried away and I'm drifting from the topic... snap, snap!


How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
- Alexander Pope


Yes, I also got to watch the film yesterday - told you I was being a couch potato (but a healthy one haha). It's a mind fuckingly awesome movie and I can't believe it took me eight years before I got to watch it. Damn. If you still haven't watched it, then I'll save you the story. It's a really good movie it's not worth the spoil. Just take my word for it and watch it! :)

After the movie, there was a war in my head, thousands of thoughts fighting for their lives to stay there. What if it's possible? What if I get to undergo the same procedure they had in the movie? Would it make my life less like a living hell, saving me from a bit of misery I now have, perhaps? Could we just start all over again and give us a better second chance? --- Then the Awkward realizations flashed back. NO DO-OVERS. I am stuck with what ifs but all these fiction isn't doing me any good. And I am far too optimistic to think that this, my reality, is the worst one can go through. I am stronger and definitely better than this. Hello, no desperation is needed. Giving everything time cause it will all eventually fall into place and it will make sense. I am merely not even halfway done this jigsaw puzzle we call life, and I'm not going to rush to finish it. I'm going to take my time, and who knows, someone might just help me put it together. :)

Wait. Why am I in this topic again? Last time I checked it was about series and movies... Well now, some realities.

November holds a lot of promises and opportunities. And to start, the Manila Bulletin Sports Digest November issue has just been released and now sold in all leading bookstores. Why this? I got our team featured in the magazine (and in our company magazine as well, and heyyy I didn't even receive a thank you. It's not my fault that I love the team and someone can't do their job well, but I don't mind helping out. Well, I haven't been receiving thank yous lately and it sucks, cause doing nice for someone isn't required and won't get me rich, but a little show of appreciation here? I'm just ranting, but I'm a little bit used to it. And that includes that fucked up feeling when people only talk to you JUST BECAUSE they need something from you... Yup, I am used to it.

But why am I even so nice? I've been fucked over a lot of times yet I still do it. I still help them. I still act as if no damage has been done, and allow them to fuck me up over and over again. I know, I'm stupid. Not getting a simple thank you is enough to crush a heart, but hey, mine's already been stepped on and possible got ran over by a train already, so what's worse, right? This speaks in so many different aspects of my life in completely different levels, and I'm not sure if you're following. Sigh. But anyway, it's something I have to live with for the rest of my life and I just hope all my efforts will be worth it someday, you know?

Enough of this. I don't want to spoil my movie marathon afternoon with all these. Ha! Or maybe I'll add some more later when I get to finish a couple more movies and reflect. Oh, vacation. What you do to me...

Well that was one eventful and bittersweet weekend. The attempted robbery, the race... everything happened so fast.

Something so deliberately planned didn't go well, and boy, we couldn't be any more thankful. We had a commotion at our house at around 3:30AM... a trespasser who attempted to rob our house and defended himself by saying that he was just around the house cause he needed nails cause there were people hunting him down. Hmm? It was so very well planned cause he knows what time my dad and sister leaves for work, and that my guy cousins are out for the night. We live in a compound so if you know how one looks, then you might just picture how it went. To cut the long story short, he was seen by my cousin who went home in the wee hours and caught him in action, just about to start his modus. The next thing I knew, I'm up at 3:30AM, stopping my cousin from prolonging the brawl. All of our neighbors were there and just watching the show. We have been having robberies around our neighborhood for the the past couple of months and this is what we've all been waiting for... a burglar to get caught. He was placed in custody, but our case being a weak one, I believe he was released today. Sad. We'd love to have him in prison for a couple of months but we didn't get to submit our plea. Just praying now that he learns his lesson and hoping that it doesn't happen again.

Sigh. Yes, at times like these, I wish I had pursued Law instead of Marketing... NAH.

So anyway, yesterday was the 3rd Leg of the Cobra Dragon Boat Regatta. Participating wasn't an issue until after a week before the race, but good thing I talked my parents into it and I was allowed, so hurrah! The only sad thing about it was that for the first time in three years... I was put in reserve. :( Yes, it literally broke my heart when I knew I wasn't racing for all of the categories I knew I should have been part of. Maybe because I backed out a week before then confirmed 3 days later, and missed two training days cause of work. I JUST MISSED TWO TRAINING DAYS. I have been training for weeks and weeks and weeks and it boiled down to that. I'm sorry if I'm taking this so seriously, but yes, it does matter. As a matter of fact, it matters to me a lot. I'm not holding any grudges but it's just that maybe, they don't fucking realize what I had to go through to get in the line up. Right, they don't. Fuck. I am so disappointed but I don't want this to be an issue so I refuse to talk to anyone about it. Heck, I don't plan to tell anyone about anything anymore, cause the last time I did it, people fucked me over and completely ruined my trust. Sigh. Enough of the hate. Anyway, we won bronze for the mixed category. And we plan to dominate in the fourth leg so fuck everything, I'm gonna end my last year, and maybe my last race ever in my dragon boat life, in high notes!

I also have been having a lot of disappointments, but you know... People change. And it's a fact I have to tattoo on my brain. I know why they act as such, so yes, I know them, but I don't judge them. I just hope they realize that and stop hurting me. Cause I'm sick and tired of being hurt. I'm sick and tired of always being the one who understands, the one who always gives way, the one who always sacrifices happiness for others. Getting it indirectly from one person is torture already. Please, I don't want any of it anymore. :( I just pray that I won't grow indifferent soon... Cause the line 'I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all' doesn't apply all the time. :(

And something happened earlier today. It made me smile a bit, cause I realized that even after everything... We're all good. I know we are, we just refuse to say it. I know it will not go back to the way it was, but at least now I am partly relieved cause I know it's just a matter of time that this will be fixed, cause we can and we will. Soon. All good, all good. :)

I have been staying up late for two consecutive nights already because of work. I slept at 2AM last Tuesday (technically Wednesday) and 1:30AM last night and it has caused me to miss two training days. It's a little bit frustrating cause everything just seems to be fighting for the most important priority for me right now. I know I should've slept earlier, but I have to submit my work before 8AM the following day, so I kinda have no choice but stay up and finish it, as there will be no time to cram in the morning. Training normally ends at around 7:30AM, and there's no way I'd get home by 8. That's just plain impossible.

I am mad at myself cause we have a race this coming Sunday, and missing training was the last thing on my list right now. We need to work and improve on a lot of things and having missed training significantly affects the whole of it. And now that I am still not done with work, I cannot attend pool training. Sigh. Must make up for it tomorrow!

Joining my family for breakfast is something that actually shocks not only my mom, but the whole household as well. It's just not normal on normal days. Whenever my mom sees me, she always says, "Oh! You're here. Aren't you supposed to be in training?" And then I just frown, and tell her I worked til the wee hours the night before and I didn't get to wake up in time. This happened two days in a row already, and after reasoning out, she scolds me, "You definitely should give yourself a break. The reason why you can't wake up early is because you hardly even rest. You force yourself to do everything you want to do, but you don't consider taking care of yourself." Not verbatim, but you get the idea. I don't really like being reprimanded, but this time, it was actually pretty nice. I felt concern and loved. For some reason, it was something I've been wanting to feel in a while now... Well, just since that thing last Sunday.

After being scolded this morning, mom and dad came home with a lot of groceries to spoil me! They bought a couple of days stock of fruits: watermelon, bananas, mangoes, apples and grapes! And they even got me a lot of cashews. YUM! My parents do know me well, and yes, these goodies make me a very happy and lucky kid. Mom added that they'd just shop for my veggies tomorrow at the market after church. Ahhh, I love my parents. If being scolded gives this kind of perk, then I'd gladly disobey them... Kidding!

Anyway, there has been someone snooping and reading my blog... I know it. Please let me know who you are. Drop a comment?

I don't know if it's just insomnia that's keeping me up the past few days or the excessive coffee I consume to not fall asleep while working. Maybe it's the coffee. Well I better get back to work now; I wouldn't want to sleep late again tonight! And oh, I made sure to drink decaffeinated coffee today!

I know. Probably most of you are, too. And more often than not, we tend to lie to one of the most asked, seemingly least complicated yet hardest questions of all time: Are you OK?

With everything that has been going on for the past few days, weeks even, it was the question I feared most to be asked. It's because as much as I want to share to my friends how I feel, what my problems are, it all just leads to nothing but another quicksand. I am dragged to a level where I never even was. I have been pitying myself enough with all of this, and getting more from others is something I don't think I could take. Worth-wise, I am honestly challenged to not vent this out cause I don't want to bother my friends cause I need them to hear me, when I know that at some point, they may not even care at all.

Face your fears, they say. Today, I was asked that question by two of the people who don't know have hurt me. It was unexpected, and the moment I heard those three words... I felt my nerves die, my brain completely blacked out, blood drenched from my face, and literally just froze. It took a while before I could answer, and attempting to mutter the words 'I'm fine' needed some intense mustering of courage from my guts. I've heard more words from them, some explanations, I think. But my emotions were taking over me and my heart just sank. They got me at my disadvantage... my emotional vulnerability. And at that time, I wanted to shut the world down, leave and just cry it all out alone.

"Mel?" She said, and then I snap out of my own world. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take all of it. There was silence on my end. They kept talking to me and asking me but the only words I could reply to them were "I'm OK" or "I'm fine." And the first and last thing on my mind when it all started was to end it and somehow manage to get out of it alive. Well, I did. But then for the first time ever, I finally got to admit to myself... I'm a terrible liar.

My manner of writing... Yep! I haven't blogged for so long that I think I have forgotten how to write cohesively. My two previous posts seemed gibberish. How sad. :( But anyway, I'll do something about it. Expect improvements on my next posts (haha not that I'm expecting anyone to read my blog), I'll get a hang of this again. :)

Oh! Made a new account on Instagram, and it's full of fitness and wellness stuff. So now I have two accounts: my personal one and fitness/advisor/professional one. I hope the latter gets Instafamous! So far I have posted 5 photos, each has at least 20 likes, and I got myself 3 followers in a span of 2 hours. Not bad for a start?

Yes, I am doing this to distract myself from all the shit and drama in the real life. Sick and tired of all the lying and all them posers, pretending to be my friend when they aren't, and they're just taking advantage of me cause they think I don't know. I'm not dumb and insensitive, and that clearly sets us apart. They should've known better... Oh wait, only my real friends know that. Oops! I have one question for you, though. If you haven't done anything wrong, then why are you guilty? No hatin! :)

I never knew being (or pretending to be) strong can get too tiring. This is in light of my break down earlier this morning; I have realized that all this time, I have been dependent solely on my self, my judgments, my philosophies, and I was pretty much well. But the moment I let people get in my bubble, that's where things just fall apart.

In all honesty, I have trust issues. I am possessive and I get jealous. I have been hurt so many times that I give my trust to people who I know deserve it most. But you know, people change and reality just slapped me in the face cause at this point, my trust in them is slowly going down the drain. It's heartbreaking and disappointing at the same time that even if they don't tell me things that make me feel that way, their actions speak to me the same way my antihistamines take effect in my body. I feel that after everything, they have chosen to defy me.

But maybe the problem's with me. I hope they tell me, cause that's what friends do, right? I'd rather have them tell me what's wrong than go behind my back. I think I deserve to hear all of it. It hurts a hundred times more knowing they're keeping things from me, worse, acting indifferently towards me in a snap and I am left clueless, looking like the most pathetic imbecile on this planet. Friends are not supposed to do that... Or so I think. They're supposed to be real with you. Be true to you. Not take everything you've said and your weaknesses against you. Lift you up and not drag you down... They're showing me otherwise, and it's breaking my heart.

Now, how do I get back on my feet when they've successfully shattered every ounce of self-esteem I have? I feel so small... Literally and figuratively. I never knew friends could make you feel the worst of yourself. I've given them access to my life and they robbed me... Robbed me of everything I thought that made me richest. My passion, my trust, the relationships, everything. All because they have led me to doubt them.

I have so many questions. I need answers. But this situation is different. This is a fucking 1000-path maze and I'm just about to take my first step. When I'd get to the right path? I don't know. Maybe I won't even get there, but I hope I do. I'm hopeful that I'd get to save even just a little of whatever that'll be left out of all this.

Sigh.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared to face them but I have to. Now that I've been allowed to race on Sunday... Oh, Lord. Please help me get through all this. I'm so emotionally vulnerable and I hope I survive the next couple of days. I'm planning to stay mum for as long as I can and keep the sharing to a minimum, should they ask. But then again, no one ever really asks how I am, how I feel towards everything. Heck, no one probably even cares about me. I don't want to dwell on this thought and just feed myself more reasons to be depressed. Because I've had enough of it and I know I deserve better that this... I just have to convince myself that and get myself together. I don't want any more of this misery.

Run. Run fast. Run for hours and hours. Earphones plugged, run and shut the world down.

Oh, I want to book a flight to somewhere. Go away for a couple of days. Time alone. Think things over. But I don't know if that's such a good idea. A penny for your thoughts?

Well, look who's into blogging again! Welcome back?

This was actually kind of unexpected cause all along, I thought I was OK, but then something happened... And somehow, I feel that no matter how much I tell my friends how I feel, we would never be on the same page, simply because they haven't been in the same situation as I have.

For a couple of days now, I have been in a train wreck of emotions. I talked less. I socialized less. I preferred being alone most of the time. With that, I am left alone with my dangerous, assuming, wandering thoughts. And earlier today at church, for the first time ever, I broke down. Literally. From the moment the mass started until it finished, I was crying. I was with my clueless family, and then halfway through the mass, my mom asked me, "Are you wearing your contact lens?" Getting teary eyed is normal when I'm on my contacts, so maybe she thought it was about it. I said yes, but then maybe she knew it wasn't just about it. Well, of course she knew something was definitely up. The moment she asked me why I was crying... Hello, Niagara falls! I couldn't hold my emotions anymore and no matter how hard I try to stop myself from sobbing, I just couldn't. It went on for a good five minutes, and the rest was history. But in case you want to know,  I cried outside the restaurant and in a cubicle in the restaurant's restroom. But I managed to get myself together, so...

My thoughts are clouding up like a tornado in my head right now, and I can't wait to vent them all out here.